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Lifeschooled.com Missionary kid living in Brazil who loves travel, service, and creativity. These posts are a well humored look at life and learning (from my mistakes). Thanks for stopping by.

12 March 2013 ~ 0 Comments

A grave matter makes all the difference

Although we walk different lives above it, we all take up the same space below the grave. There is no applause beneath the ground as there were in the days of flattery when we walked upon it.

Whatever glory you bring to the grave, you leave with it. In this sense, life is hollow. An empty room for breathing in.

This is why our focus must be beyond the grave. We must live with eternity in our eyes and in our ears the majesty of a billion voices giving all glory to our Lord and Savior. Imagine it:

And I beheld, and I heard the voice of many angels round about the throne and the beasts and the elders: and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands;  Saying with a loud voice, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing.  And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, [be] unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever. [Rev 5:11-14]

 

19 February 2013 ~ 0 Comments

4 reasons for Christian men NOT to get married

Thinking about marriageDon’t let the title mislead you: marriage is so awesome that God Himself – after officiating the first marriage ever – remarked that what He had created was ‘very good’ (Gn 1:31).

But some young men may feel pressured to get married for the wrong reasons. Consider four of them:

  1. Don’t get married to cure you of your addiction to pornography. An alcoholic doesn’t automatically drop his vice just because he takes up drinking pure, healthy water. A healthy, blessed relationship with your wife won’t automatically cure you of your habit of looking at pornography. Here’s why: real intimacy requires self-sacrifice, a large investment of time and care, learning together and seeking her joy. This easily frustrates a porn addict because porn only requires an internet connection. It takes quite a bit more than wedding cake to break a habit of taking perverted shortcuts. God’s grace – and not a young bride – is meant to pull men out of dark, deep holes. Seek God’s grace regarding this addiction before seeking a wife. It’s what you would expect of a brother-in-law or future son-in-law. So do it yourself.

  2. Don’t get married to add the finishing touch to your pastoral call. “I’ve got the gifts, I’ve got the seminary degree and I’ve got a ministry opportunity – now all I need is a wife. Then folks will see me as pastoral material.” Don’t do that. Christ didn’t love His church because it validated Him before His followers, and neither should you. If you’re considering asking her in marriage, you should be willing to marry her even if you end up a fisherman, chimney-sweep, blogger or persecuted missionary.

  3. Don’t get married because you ‘owe her’ a wedding ring. Perhaps you’re feeling that you’ve dragged the relationship on way too long – and messed up way too much – to go back. So maybe you feel you owe her a wedding ring. First off: you owe her an apology. Don’t use marriage to glaze over your responsibility to face the music. Get your heart right before God and her. If needed, repent and seek forgiveness. Then seek counsel on whether the relationship should keep moving on. Saying ‘I do’ isn’t the same as saying ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I forgive you’. Don’t carry these wounds into your marriage. Deal with them beforehand.

  4. Don’t get married because everybody else is doing it. According to cemetery records, quite a few of us are dying as well. And that’s no reason to hurry along and follow suit. For everything there is a time, and if God desires to mold you through marriage, He will make it happen in His time. Don’t rush it. By all means pray about it, have a healthy view of it, and don’t condone yourself if you desire it – but please: don’t throw yourself at the first girl who treats you nice. Slow down, dude.

Marriage is like anything else in life: it works well if you go about it the right way. Follow the Manual, fear the Lord and be ok with dying to yourself. Otherwise, take time to rethink it. You may not get this chance again.

12 October 2012 ~ 3 Comments

What if we used these younger years…

What if we used these younger years for study, meditation and discovering our God? Too often we trade spiritual growth for silly guffaws.

What if we used these younger years for holiness, for learning, writing and striving to be as Timothy, to whom Paul said: “Give attendance to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine…Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them…” (I Tim 4:13,15).

04 September 2012 ~ 0 Comments

Are you looking for stones in Jordan?

 When your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, What mean ye by these stones? Then ye shall answer them, That the waters of Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it passed over Jordan, the waters of Jordan were cut off: and these stones shall be for a memorial unto the children of Israel for ever. Joshua 4:6-7

Once again the children of Israel were faced with a challenge, and once again God provided a miracle. He divides the waters of the Jordan river so that His people can cross over on dry ground. As they cross, twelve men are instructed to take twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan river and build a memorial when they reach the other side. A memorial that speaks of God’s provisions. A memorial that speaks of God’s miracles. A memorial that is shared from generation to generation.

Do you come out of trials or tribulations with something to show for it? When the Lord hears and answers your prayers, do you look for stones – deep truths, meaningful lessons, genuine testimonies – to carry with you to the other side? Do you seek to build a memorial to God’s greatness – or are His miracles lost in the wind?

It’s no secret that God wants His works to be remembered. He wants the children of future generations to ask: “What are these dry stones doing here?” so that their fathers may answer: “Those stones were once in the middle of Jordan but just as dry as they are here today, because God provided a way for His people to cross when no other solution was in sight.”

Too often we waste our Jordan rivers. We cry when we reach them, we sing as we cross them and forget as we leave them behind. Make good use of your rivers of tribulation: seek the dry stones with which you will build a firm witness for the Lord.

Then Samuel took a stone, and set it between Mizpeh and Shen, and called the name of it Ebenezer, saying, Hitherto hath the Lord helped us. I Samuel 7:12

09 August 2012 ~ 5 Comments

God’s mysteries are best kept secret


Sometimes things don’t work out. Things you really wish did work out.

All the duckies were in a row, the violinist was ready to play, you and everyone else could have guessed the conclusion. It was a beautiful conclusion, or so you played it out in your mind.

That’s when, in His sovereignty, God said “No”.

And you struggle with that. Why halt something so beautiful? Why stop such a beautiful story from being told? Why end this in a way that I didn’t imagine and couldn’t have guessed?

And sometimes God doesn’t explain Himself right away. He’s sovereign afterall. He doesn’t have to explain Himself right away.

And in a couple of days, in a couple of weeks, sometimes in a couple of months or years, you might think back to your beautiful conclusion. And it will still look beautiful. It will still be the perfect fairytale story. And you might feel a longing in your heart. “Everything was adding up…”. Your heart may ask: “Why?”

And the only answer is: God keeps that mystery to Himself.

Don’t fight against God’s mysteries. Don’t struggle against them. Don’t wrestle with God’s secrets. Is He not the Creator? As His creations, are we not fruit of His imaginations? Then why insist your imagination must be fulfilled?

Years from now you will feel that longing in your heart again. Perhaps a nudge. Perhaps a sigh. Don’t meditate on what could have been for it will take you to a place you shouldn’t go. Eventually it will bring you around to this: I could have not followed God’s leading. And no one should spend much time considering that.

Open your fist. And your heart. That dream you had. Let it go. Please. For Him. “Lord, I thought I had sacrificed this hope for You already. But today I felt that longing and was reminded of that dream. Help me remember I gave up that dream for You.”

Follow His dreams. Please. He loves you much more than I could ever express. More than you could ever communicate.

What matters is that you are living in the center of His plan and that’s the safest place to be. Tomorrow is in His Hand just as much as yesterday was. Take a step forward and move onward.

Sometimes things don’t work out. But God’s love for you always does.

It always, always does.

20 June 2012 ~ 3 Comments

Your guilt trips don’t glorify God

Trusting in Christ’s forgiveness does.

In Acts 13:38, Paul concludes his sermon before the synagogue in Antioch with these words:

Be it known unto you therefore, men [and] brethren, that through this man is preached unto you the forgiveness of sins:  and by him all that believe are justified from all things, from which ye could not be justified by the law of Moses.

Paul had spent the previous minutes using history and the Old Testament to show how Christ was the promised Saviour. “Therefore, men and brethren” there is forgiveness of sins, and forgiveness much better than any sense of justice that can be achieved on our own.

Too often, when we’ve sinned, we try to appease God’s wrath by putting ourselves on a guilt-trip. Discouraged, dismayed and self-condoning, we sulk through the day, repeatedly bringing to mind our own unworthiness. A spiritual form of crying-over-spilt-milk. “This way, God will see how seriously I take my failures and let me off the hook.”

This is works-salvation and it’s wrong. As Christians, we serve a God who doesn’t need to be appeased. Instead, He seeks to be glorified. And God is most glorified when we cling to Christ for our every need.

Now is the Son of man glorified, and God is glorified in him. John 13.31

04 August 2011 ~ 1 Comment

Dinosaurs munching on doctrine

Step back in time with me for just a moment. It’s July 4th, 1776 and Continental Congress just finished signing the Declaration of Independence. Everyone is talking about it but you’re trying to mind your own business. Like the dinosaur on Toy Story, you hate confrontations. You’re quietly sipping your favorite beverage at some historic tavern, when the bartender looks at you and says, “So…where do you stand? With the English or with the rebels?”

Oh, bummer.

“Neither,” you say, “I stand with the Declaration of Independence & Thomas Jefferson. That’s good enough enough for me.”

He says: “So you stand with the rebels?”

You say: “No. (Are you deaf?) I side with Thomas Jefferson & the Declaration of Independence. The end.”

He says: “You drink too much.”

His reasoning is simple: by siding with Jefferson & the ‘ole Declaration, you are adopting it’s stand regarding the English & rebels. There’s no way to side with a declaration without taking a stand alongside what said declaration declares to be true.

In our day and age, it’s popular to adopt an “anything goes!” approach to doctrine. When we talk about specifics of the Christian faith – such as God’s sovereignty, man’s depravity, local church, eternal security – I frequently hear people say something like:  ”I don’t take a stand either way. I believe the Bible & love Jesus. The end.”

That’s awesome that you believe the Bible and love Jesus. However, you must realize the Bible takes a firm stand regarding a plethora of specific doctrines. While the Bible doesn’t force us to adopt names (Calvinist or Arminian! Trichotomist or dichotomist!) nor defend the bitter fighting surrounding different declarations of faith (You abdominal heretic!), the Word of God does encourage us to dig down deep into the specific doctrines it teaches.

Paul was overjoyed to tell the Romans:

“Ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you”. (Romans 6:17)

Knowing where you stand regarding the specifics of God’s Word is healthy. It’s also a sign of growing up. Hebrews 5:11-14 admonishes us not to be “dull of hearing” by contenting ourselves solely with the “first principles of the oracles of God”. Instead, we’re supposed to have our “senses exercised” as we dig into the “strong meat” of God’s Word. Sure, this might require tougher chewing and at times it’s hard to swallow, but strong meat strengthens our discernment, helping us “to discern both good and evil”.

Before you skirt the issue by saying “I stand with the Bible,” stop a moment and ask yourself: Does God’s Word draw a line? If so, on which side does the Bible stand? And then double-check you’re on the same side.

28 May 2011 ~ 2 Comments

What’s holding you back?

I’d like to ask you a question and it’s ok if you struggle with it. In fact, I hope you do struggle with it. I hope the answer doesn’t come easily but instead motivates you to spend time in prayer, asking Him for the answer.

The question is, “What’s holding you back from being more dedicated to the cause of Christ?”

Simon and his brother Andrew were fishermen in the sea of Galilee. They were meeting their family’s needs and providing fish for the local marketplace. That’s a good thing. But notice what happens when Christ calls them.

And Jesus said unto them, Come ye after me, and I will make you to become fishers of men. And straightway they forsook their nets, and followed him. Mark 1:17,18

The same account in Matthew 4:20 says, “They straightway left [their] nets, and followed Him.

Let this sink in: they walked away. They had been fishermen from a young age, their father having taught them the trade. Society expected them to be fishermen. They expected it of themselves. But when Christ called them, they were able to walk away.

Today, there are young men who could do much for the cause of Christ but they don’t, because they can’t walk away from their videogames.  They can’t walk away from wasting their money on the newest gadget, the newest iPod, iPad, laptop, HDTV screen, the latest fad. There are young women who could do much for the cause of Christ but they don’t, because they can’t walk away from their fairytale movies & silly stories. They can’t walk away from being dreamy and living life superficially. There are dating couples who could do much for the cause of Christ but don’t, because they can’t walk away from each other. They can’t walk away from the bliss of romance and having someone to hug. There are parents who could do much for the cause of Christ but don’t, because they are tied down with work & pursuing a specific lifestyle. They can’t walk away from trying to be like ‘the Jones’ even at the cost of debt. There are church-goers who could do much for the cause of Christ but they don’t, because they can’t walk away from the ease of being a ‘benchwarmer’. And there are hundreds of young people who find they can’t walk away from being addicted, accepted, lazy or online.

Do you feel like you can’t walk away? You feel that way because you can’t. You can’t do it alone.

And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible. Mark 10:27

It is possible to walk away. It is possible to dedicate your time, money, mind & life to the cause of Christ. Ask yourself, “What keeps me from praying more? Studying more? Volunteering more at church?” Guys, ask yourself: “Why am I pursuing what I’m currently pursuing? How do my current objectives have a direct effect on the thousands who have never heard the Gospel? And what keeps me from trying to meet that need? Why is it the other guy who is missionary-minded and concerned for the lost world? Why not me?

What’s keeping you back from setting “your affection on things above, not on things on the earth (Col 3:2)”?

26 April 2011 ~ 1 Comment

In my place

One memorable night, young Samuel wrestled with God’s call. He was unsure how to answer. Older, wiser Eli advises Samuel not to ignore such a call but instead give himself fully unto the Lord.

So Samuel went and lay down in his place. I Samuel 3:9

We need more young people like this, who are willing to serve God ‘in their place’. No matter how monochrome your life may be, it is your place. It was God’s Hand that set you there. Your parents may be ungodly, your resumé may be shallow, your education may be wanting and – while your friends are off getting married – you may be the most single person in a 100 mile radius. Yet, are you aware that this is where God has placed you? Or perhaps do you lie down at night kicking against the pricks?

Young Samuel knew his place. Personally, I find his early responsibilities (opening doors, keeping the fire) quite boring. But it was where the Lord had placed him and he was content in it. He knew his place and served God in it.

For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Philippians 4:11

08 April 2011 ~ 2 Comments

Sheep in Wolves’ Clothing

Common sense teaches us: if it looks like a skunk, move. If it smells like spoiled milk, don’t drink it. If it was mailed by your archnemesis and makes a ticking sound, call a bomb squad.

Modern Christianity – in an attempt to become more accepted – has adopted the fashions & flavors of a rotten, decaying culture. The idea is: we’ll look like the world, sound like the world and smell like the world but guess what? We’ll be full of yummy honest-to-goodness Christian purity on the inside! What you see on the outside is only packaging and doesn’t matter. God looks on the heart anyway.

Paul disagrees:

Abstain from all appearance of evil. 1Th 5:22

If it looks like the world, don’t hang around. The very appearance of evil should turn you off. No sheep in its right mind wears wolf clothing to be accepted by the pack.

04 April 2011 ~ 6 Comments

Just be yourself (not)

As a quirky, confused tween, I spent considerable time trying to figure myself out. The adage “just be yourself” sounded easy but was actually quite difficult in practice. Primarily, because I had never been me before. This was my first attempt at living as Daniel Gardner and I wasn’t born with a manual.

If you’re having trouble figuring yourself out, try this: just be Him. God’s plan is that we be “conformed to the image of his Son” (Rom 8.29).

But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory. II Cor 3:18

Instead of figuring ourselves out, we should be more preoccupied with being changed into the image of the Lord. And here’s good news: there’s a Manual.

So stop trying to be you. Start trying to be Him. After all, isn’t that the point of decreasing so He may increase?

30 March 2011 ~ 0 Comments

Don’t get comfy

In Titus 1:15-16, Paul describes unbelievers as having a defiled mind. Clearly not walking on eggshells, he then sums up their lifestyle as abominable, disobedient and reprobate. He even calls their bluff on their false Christianity:

They profess that they know God; but in works they deny Him. Titus 1:16

Nowadays, Paul would be accused of labeling or legalistic judging. But his words echo true regardless.

We should look at those who deny God and admit: “Between us and you there is a great gulf fixed” (Luke 16:26). We aren’t two peas in a pod. Wise Amos asks the question: “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3) He isn’t defending a nose-in-the-air, holier-than-thou crusade; he’s explaining that the ‘buddy system’ doesn’t always work. Light and darkness don’t mix.

If you are trusting in Christ as your Savior, He has transformed you into a new creature & called you to purity. Don’t be surprised if you feel uncomfortable around unbelievers. Be surprised if you don’t.

(Bonus: Pastor Doug Wilson touches on the topic.)

11 March 2011 ~ 1 Comment

Newsflash: you’re gonna die

Let me break it to you: you’re gonna die.

Death is such a taboo subject. People pretend it’s not there. “Eww, make it go away!” If you talk to a speeding driver about death, he’ll slow down. People assume that death always slows us down and no one wants to be slowed down. Death is discouraging right?

I disagree. Death should motivate us. It should encourage us. Here’s why: if I’m aware my time is limited, then I better get busy making the most of it, shouldn’t I?

But how do you make the most of it? Christ made the most of life & death this way:

For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. Rom 5:10

Are you spending your life helping others be reconciled to God? What are you waiting for?

[photo by peterszvoboda]

30 December 2010 ~ 4 Comments

Young man, go home.

Mark 5:1-20 relates a story about a unique conversion. The main character is a possessed man who broke out of chains but was not free. He made his home in a cemetery but couldn’t find quiet peace. So much changed when he met Christ (v.6). Christ changed him inside-out, giving him a new heart, a new peace and new desires.

It’s easy to understand why this man was so willing to follow Christ to the ends of the world (v.18). His eagerness to serve reminds me of the young people of today. My peers and I have this eager zeal to be passionate missionaries. We’d be thrilled if the Lord called us to devote our lives to Africa, Haiti or the slums of India.

Christ’s answer might surprise. Verse 19 says:

Howbeit Jesus suffered him not, but saith unto him, Go home…

Be a witness at home. Be a light among your family & friends. They know you better than anyone. Show them what has changed and Who made the change in you.

This is a challenge for my generation. It’s so difficult (and boring) to be a Christian at home. My home knows my shortcomings. But if I don’t have a genuine testimony at home, what good is my testimony abroad? What would we think of Christ if He healed the lame, cured the blind and yet fussed with His parents? Would we listen to His message of salvation if He was bitter towards those closest to Him?

Still fired up to sacrifice your own dreams in order to do great things for God? Good. Let it show at home. Africa, Haiti and the slums of India will wait.

27 September 2010 ~ 1 Comment

Boredsyndrome

“I’m so bored”. I see this phrase all over the internets. Now that we can broadcast our current status to the world, more and more of us are admitting that – despite fancy technology and new TV shows – we’re still quite bored.

Studies show that the glow of our computer & television screens are tripping up our internal clocks. I think they also play a part in bringing our self-motivated, focused sense of purpose to a halt and plunging us into a pond of shear boredom. Our videogames and smartphones can give us a false sense of purpose and a real sense of pointlessness.

That’s not healthy, especially for our spiritual lives.

Therefore He says: “Awake, you who sleep…And Christ will give you light.” (Ephesians 5:14)

If you want to serve the Lord, there’s plenty of work to do. But we gotta wake up first. We gotta wake up from the nonplused stupor in our high-speed, heading-nowhere lifestyles. Wake up to the shortness of life. Wake up to the reality of lost souls. Wake up to a God Who will give you work if you make yourself available.

28 August 2010 ~ 0 Comments

The world is a giant glazed donut

The world is a giant glazed donut. With extra filling. Everything is so sweet about it. It smells sweet, feels sweet and tastes sweet.

The world has a sweet message. A message of acceptance, “come as you are,” “we’re one big happy family”. There are no absolute affirmations, no cardinal truths or sins, no definite word on God. Everyone recite together now, “Judge not so that ye be not judged.” Or, “God is love”.

The world has a sweet savor. There’s glamor on TV and buildboards. It glows with attraction. The music is sweet, the movies are sweet, the ever-changing fashions are sweet. Everything is glazed over with sugar. Eat it, drink it and be merry.

Like bees, we are attracted to our blossoming culture and bright flowery society. It makes us buzz with excitement.

Yet, God calls us to be salt. And that changes everything.

The world looks at us with a sour expression. SALT? He’s called you to be SALT? How can something so bitter mix in with a world so sweet?!

They’re right. How can we? Some of us spend our whole lives testing new theories but the truth is: we can’t. We weren’t meant to mix.

06 August 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Springs Unsprung

I remember staring bleakly at my homework, back in the high school days. I wasn’t estatic about science. The text was explaining the two forms of energy, potential energy and kinetic energy. And I was reading over it for the nth time.

The subject comes to mind when I think of my generation. Potential energy is like the taunt spring on a mouse trap: it has the potential to snap something, do something, move in some way, but hasn’t as of yet.  That sounds like my generation. We have all these tools at arms reach, online and off. The world is at our fingertips in many ways. We could do something; too often we don’t.

We’re scared, we’re shy, we’re unsure. We wait for the “big opportunity” without realizing we’re living in it.

In his essay on youth and age, Francis Bacon said, “The errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might have been done, or sooner.” I don’t want to look back on a life that could’ve been. Neither do you. We have the potential to do more, and sooner. Let’s do it. Don’t wait for the mouse.

08 June 2010 ~ 0 Comments

Did that staff just turn into a snake?

There was this guy who went before Pharaoh with the hope of changing the Egyptian King’s heart. He threw his staff on to the ground and it immediately turned into a snake.

Wow. It was pretty amazing.

Watching from the sidelines, our knee-jerk reaction might have been to shout Hallelujah. Naturally, we would assume that since God is awesome, awesome things are clearly a sign of God’s work.

But there’s a problem.

The guy’s name was Jambres. According to Exodus 7, he and his buddy Jannes were Pharaoh’s sorcerers and magicians. They did amazing stuff. Yet all this awesomeness was intended to distract from God’s message.

I’m sorry that so many in Christian circles get carried away with the wind of awesomeness. God does indeed act in mysterious and even miraculous ways. But too often we quickly assume all amazing experiences are “God experiences”.

Elijah learned it wasn’t so. Huge winds, earthquakes, spontaneous fires – God wasn’t in it. Elijah had to pipe down and be still awhile before he heard the small soft voice of an amazing God.

If our faith is based on amazing, awesome walk-on-water experiences, we’ll always be on the lookout for new experiences to grasp. This eagerness to see & feel the next big “God thing” bruises our Christian walk. Paul says, “For we walk by faith, not by sight.” Emotions come and go. Shock & awe dies down. But faith should stand firm no matter what.

And that’s more of a challenge then turning some piece of wood into a snake.

22 May 2010 ~ 0 Comments

For all else there’s MasterCard

If you find you enjoy a certain hobby or discover a hidden talent, my advice is: invest in it. Buy a book about it. Sign up for a couple of classes about it. Visit a niche workshop about it. Join an online forum. Buy accessories, read tutorials, experiment with it.

And at some point, someone (perhaps yourself) will ask, “Is there any money in this?” And you’ll admit that … um…no. There’s not a big chance you’ll be making money off this anytime soon. And you might feel like hanging your head in shame. Or dragging your feet.

The mindset is: if you’re dishing money into something, but it doesn’t dish money back out at you, you’re doing something wrong. But take a moment and notice how much in life doesn’t give back money.

  • Traveling to meet your grandparents
  • Talking to a sweet girl over dinner
  • Going to the movies with your friends
  • Getting married
  • Raising kids
  • Volunteering for your favorite cause
  • Going to a high school reunion
  • Sharing a quiet moment with someone you love
  • Calling your best friend & talking for hours
  • Walking in the rain and being glad to be alive.
  • Taking the longer, historical route across country
  • Climbing to the top of Mt. Everest

None of these will make you a dime. So why pursue them?

Because memories last longer than money. No one can foreclose on what you’ve learned.

[Bonus: Got ten minutes? Watch this animated video based on a speech that cleverly illustrates how money & motivation work.]

13 May 2010 ~ 6 Comments

Beacon of Bachelorhood

Oh aged pizza slice, beacon of bachelorhood, to thee I write this ode. How often you have molded in the refrigerator. The meaty bits becoming less meaty and more bitty as days pass. Shreds of tomatoe curling like toenails and radiating odors I dare not classify as pleasant. The dry crust, clearly dead, crumbling apart. And sauces, quite unlike the sauces of yore, don’t keep for months on end.

This mess, this frozen catastrophe, plucked from it’s refrigerator grave, is cast into the microwave. If it can be reheated, it’s edible. That’s just common sense. Like a witch doctor attempting to remove a curse, the microwave hums its magical whirr.  The bachelor stares and listens. Previously, he felt like eating food but he must suffice himself with this compost sample. From a distance, the cockroaches take bets on whether he’ll actually eat it or not.

He doth.

The orange muck lurking upon it may look like cheese, but do not be deceived. It’s a rare form of nuclear waste which shows up less and less as bachelors get married. It plummets through his digestive track like a cannon ball through that one Red Coat’s digestive track. The other internal organs, trying to mind their own business, can’t help but notice the crude lump of pizza grossly descending toward the stomach area. And the stomach doesn’t look too happy either.

Sometimes it requires hypnosis. Sometimes, a death in the family. But somehow, the bachelor will forget he actually hit a new low in eating standards.  To him, it is all but a distant memory, or perhaps a distant tummy rumble. He will only recollect that in his haste to chew something, he grabbed something from the fridge, warmed and swallowed it whole. The Department of National Health would have his head if they found out.

Oh left-over pizza piece, thou art an icon of masculine independence. Kitchens are for girls, receipes are for wimps and food is for the feeble. Behold how brave, how solumn, how awefully well fed, is the young man with pizza in hand and access to a microwave.

I salute thee, disastrous meal.

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